Blood coursing through veins, heart pumping, pulse racing, fists clenched, teeth gritted together, head pulsing… the physical manifestation of anger, the outward allusion, but what does anger that no one ever sees do? What happens internally with the type of anger that no one, but the person experiencing it really sees, the type that is hidden away for so long that you do not even recognize it until something makes it rear its ugly head, whether it be someone cutting you off in traffic, someone doing something to you personally or a grave injustice in the world. How do you even realize you are harboring this anger?
As the year draws to a close I find myself reflecting upon the past calendar year. It was filled with a lot of ups and downs and one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Perhaps that is why sitting here now I cannot help but to think about the beauty of new beginnings and all that can be learned from them.
Loss… some people are blessed and never really know true loss until they are well into adulthood. Others seem to be surrounded by it at a young age. I unfortunately am one of the later. At the ripe age of barely 16 I lost my mother. This is something I almost never talk about and something I hardly admitted or told a soul until everything happened to Matt. I fully believe that almost losing Matt forced me to fully process everything in a new way and I started to make peace with it.
Butterflies symbolize resurrection, a spiritual symbol of life after death. I think that it is no twist of fate that this summer as I ran my normal boardwalk route, a beautiful Monarch butterfly followed me, landed on my nose and swarmed around my head. I fully believe that was my mother telling me while not physically, spiritually she was there for me in one of the most trying seasons of life as I navigate what is next for me in my career.
I thought of her telling me the story of my premature birth and how she had spent a late night at the office a month and a day before her due date with me because she thought that then she would have a whole month to prepare for her new daughter. Surprise! I came approximately 12 hours later, when she went to the hospital in pre-labor pain, they lost my heartbeat and immediately induced. She would always say I was a pain in the ass from day one in her perfectly sarcastic way laced with her Philadelphia accent. As that butterfly fluttered around me circa mile 3 I thought Mom, are you showing me how you can be that pain in the ass too and laughed hilariously as we played and harassed each other for the next few miles. The butterfly would flutter in, I would look at her, she would fly away, repeat. Just like old times driving each other insane but still filled with so much love and joy.
A favorite quote of mine is “The cure for anything is salt… sweat, tears or the sea.” For me that is incredibly true. I have often found myself needing all three, sometimes at the same time. Exercise has been a passion of mine and major form of stress relief for as long as I can remember. I was a kid that hated TV or being indoors. I remember many a summer night spent outside running around catching fireflies or playing manhunt until I was forced to go inside and get ready for bed. My mom enrolled me in dance classes when I was 2, I started skiing the same year and shortly there after it was soccer then lacrosse throughout most of high school and college. As a lifelong athlete you can start to take advantage of what your body can do for you through exercise, until that one thing that you have always taken as a constant and given is taken away from you.
Along with struggling to figure out who I am and what I want to do I have been going through a very personal struggle with estrangement from my only sibling… my younger brother. It is a continuous struggle to make peace with this situation and I pray everyday for the strength to be able to continue to do that.